Wide Body Jetsetter: shoulda tweeted instead

Showing posts with label shoulda tweeted instead. Show all posts

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Total. Freakin. Filler.

Me (young and naive):

I hope something good happens.

Me (now):

I hope whatever bad thing happens next is at least funny.

After 10 years of living as a Praguelodyte who survived on fried cheese and heinous amounts of cheap beer, this serial expat went on to live on Berliner jelly donuts and copious amounts of not-so-cheap beer as the Dunkin' Berliner. The resulting creature is a manbearpigbeast who is dangerously close to paying for two seats on the plane. You may call me WBJ, Big Sir or Wide Body Jetsetter if you're not into the whole brevity thing.

Where not otherwise credited, most of the photos on this site were taken by me on my shitty phone cam. Don't use anything on this site without permission. Or I'll get medieval on your hiney. For some real photo fu and general photographic asskickery, please visit my professional photography site.

PRAGUE SAFE PRACTICES

There are a few simple rules to help you enjoy your Prague experience without being ridden hard and put away bloody (unless you are specifically here for that; I do not judge).

1) DO NOT HAIL A TAXI ON THE STREET. They will rip you off. Period.

2) DO NOT APPROACH A SITTING TAXI anywhere in Prague (unless it is a specified taxi rank with AAA taxis and other company cars). These sneaky sons of bitches will take only your wallet for a ride. Call AAA Taxi company. This is the best, fastest, and most honest taxi company in the Czech Republic. Right on the dashboard it states that if you do not receive a receipt with the total trip amount listed, you are not obliged to pay.

3) ATMs: these rob you impersonally and prey on your ignorance. After you choose the amount you want to receive in Czech crowns, DO NOT ACCEPT THE CZECH BANK'S CONVERSION RATE. Choose 'proceed without conversion.' If you don't, you can be seriously robbed. Like $50 robbed. Let your own bank do the conversion. If there is no option to 'proceed without conversion', CANCEL that shit. I recommend CSOB or Fio Banka ATMs. That's about it. With currency exchange booths, you are also taking a big chance unless you are up on the current rates and read the fine print.

4) CARRY YOUR MONEY UP YOUR BUTT. That's really the only way you can be sure you won't get pick-pocketed in the center of Prague. But if you don't like the idea of walking for miles with a bank suppository, just keep it zipped or buttoned into an inside coat pocket. Or keep your wallet in your front pocket and your money in your sock.

5) CZECH WAITERS ROB YOU. Usually they will only add one or two drinks more than what you ordered, or charge you extra for some bullshit they call 'couvert' (napkins and cutlery). Insist on a bill which is itemized in front of you. It's best if they actually leave a strip of paper on your table and mark off each drink and/or food item as you order. Each beer is a single line (a row of lines is called 'building fences' in beer halls), each dish/side dish should have the price written down.