or Love in the Age of Coronavirus
-
Prague, CZ March 2020
It's Day
5 of the coronavirus quarantine in the Czech Republic. Borders
slammed shut, all but essential grocery stores are closed, and masks
are now required for all people outside. As of March 16, nobody is
allowed in or out of the Czech Republic until somebody kills this
evil little coronabug.
Normally
people would think 'Hey, being trapped in the country with the
largest beer consumption in the world ain't bad.' Normally that would
be a good thing, just drowning your sorrows in the pub with the other
poor slobs in Slobovia. But the pubs closed. Now the panic really
begins in earnest. But since the Czech Republic consists of 50%
drunks and 50% thieves, the government came up with a solution to
keep the locals from setting the cars on fire and bashing in the pub
windows to raid the medicine cabinet: beer windows. Just saunter up
to the pub window, pay your money, and a hand thrusts the beer
through the window.
Window Beer |
On
Sunday I ordered a pint of Guinness through a pub window in a nice
pub in Žižkov. In this sad version of a drive-thru window, people
just get their beer and stand 2 meters apart from each other and
drink on the sidewalk in the cold. The pub was aptly named U Sadu.
The charm wore off after one pint and I left.
But only
a handful of pubs have the walk-up window. Most are closed. I saw an
old man on the nearly deserted Prague streets yesterday with a bag of
groceries and no face mask. Was he insane? Doesn't he know that he'll
probably die if he catches the damn bug? Then I saw the contents of
his paper bag as I passed: bottles of vodka and rolls of toilet
paper. Apparently that's all you need in a viral apocalypse.
State of Emergency Declared
Czechia
is the only country in Europe with such strict quarantine measures.
Almost EVERYTHING is closed in Prague. The Czech government declared
a state
of emergency in a very brief statement, followed by a bunch of
specific things which are hereby verboten for the next 30 days. They
even released them in English for a change. Probably because they
think the coronavirus is being spread by all the dang foreigners, not
all these fucking Czechs who can't cover their mouths when coughing.
In
addition to closing every damn thing, the long list of new rules
includes closing offices and shops, forcing people to stay at home,
requiring them to wear masks in public, and banning all events. The
last one is a bitch. I bought tickets to see William Shatner in
Prague last December. The event was scheduled for March 15 – and
canceled the day before. Shat happens. But not in Europe.
Hoarding of Masks and TP
The CZ
government requires people to wear masks in public and avoid general
contact with others. That's all fine and dandy, but all the masks
sold out in about 5 minutes. So the government decreed that those
without masks must wrap scarves around their faces. I can fully
understand the draconian mask laws here. Every other Czech aged 8 to
80 in this country puts one finger on a nostril and blows snot
noodles on the sidewalk. And they love to loudly hawk up lung oysters
and shoot them everywhere. Forcing them to wear masks might put an
damper on some of that white trashery.
Smile! |
But I've
gotta hand it to the mask creativity of these people. In lieu of
buying actual masks, Czechs just wrap scarves around their mugs. Or
make their own masks at home. I've seen all colors of material
wrapped around surly faces, from pillow cases to old Christmas socks.
One lady strolled by with a red purse, red shoes, wearing a red mask
while talking on her red cell phone. You go girl! Better red than
dead!
Czechs
must really be shitting themselves, because they are buying up every
last roll of toilet paper they can get their hands on. People panic
buy. Every time there's a hint of an emergency, scared sheep stock up
on a billion pills and canned food. But this time, they're raiding
the toilet paper shelves.
Why? Do
they think that the companies will stop producing TP in the wake of
coronavirus? And how is TP the ultimate measure of survival? This
must fall under the 50% of Czechs who are drunks. Only drunks think
survival depends solely on booze and TP. Like the old man in the
street the other day with the bag of booze and buttwipes. Or my
drunken college flatmate. He only ever bought booze and TP. Damn, did
he see the future?
Free Movement Prohibited
If
you've ever wondered about what life behind the Iron Curtain was
like, wonder no more. As of this moment, the CZ guvvie dragged out
the Old Commie Rule Book on this one. Cross border travel is
restricted, and even taking leisurely walks is verboten. Everyone out
for a walk must walk with a specific purpose. They're not even sugar
coating the thing, as the doc reads 'Prohibition
of Free Movement of Persons.'
Of
course they can't prohibit people from shopping, and they specify
exactly what is allowed. And everything on the list is completely
fucking sold out. Masks, medicine, hand sanitizer, and TP. A worse
bunch of capitalists I've never seen.
I demand that these people be returned to communist bondage at once, where standing in lines for oranges and toilet paper was the norm. They not only like it, they pine for it. The grocers regularly have sales called 'retro week' for a taste of the good old times: cans of processed meat by-products and random goods with plain brown wrappers.
I demand that these people be returned to communist bondage at once, where standing in lines for oranges and toilet paper was the norm. They not only like it, they pine for it. The grocers regularly have sales called 'retro week' for a taste of the good old times: cans of processed meat by-products and random goods with plain brown wrappers.
Wide Body Jetsetter Grounded
As I wander through the ghost mall in search of the solitary store where I can buy canned beans for burritos, I think of those zombie apocalypse films. How can you not? There's panic, empty spaces, and bloody lunatics robbing the stores of precious rolls of shit tickets.
Do Not Approach the Bus Driver |
One of
the nice things about the lockdown is that family time isn't
affected. I can still prop up the fluffy pillows in bed next to my
sweetie, and watch 28 Days Later, followed by 28 Weeks Later. As one
does.
I think
about European history during war time. How the expat writers bumming
around Europe writing their novels were suddenly whisked away by
embassies and returned from whence they came.
I can't
be whisked away anywhere, and not just because I'm pushing 300 lbs.
I'm not an expat (and not much of a writer, if I'm being honest), I'm
a permanent resident of the Czech Republic, forced to stay here until the virus dies out. I canceled my
yearly trip the states to see my family. I didn't want to contract
coronavirus while stuck in a plane for 14 hours, land in the states,
go to dinner with family, and accidentally kill my dad. That would be
awkward.
Soon
after my decision to stay grounded, the Czech government made it
official by slamming the borders shut. So by decree of the government
of Czechia, I'm stuck here with all the slobs from Slobovia, without
my pubs or my fried cheese for the foreseeable future. Fortunately, I
can work from home.
But I
can't cram my wide body into a jet. Fuck. Well, I'm off to the ghost
mall soon; it's the only place I can go. I'll wander past all the
closed shops and darkened halls to the light at the end of the
virus-ridden tunnel: the only open supermarket. I think I'll get a
bottle of vodka and a roll of TP, if I can get one.
Today I
fast-walked with purpose, shoulders bent forward to the wind with the
ghost mall up ahead. I now work at home and want to avoid this whole
damn corona-poxy-lips thing. But it's amazing how quickly you run out of things in the
viral apocalypse. I was wearing my mask, as were most sensible people
I passed. But then a homeless man rose from a bench and lurched
toward me with his hand out. The rat bastard wasn't wearing a mask or
a scarf and he was asking for money. I gave him the stiff arm and
shook my head no.
With no
mask and sleeping in the cold, that guy wouldn't last much longer.
But for a second, when he got in my face without a mask, I felt this
urge to knock him down and run. That's what survival mode does to
humans. Everyone gives each other the hairy eyeball, no trust.
In my
case, I've probably just watched too many zombie apocalypse movies.
Prague Bus Driver, Day 7 of the Viral Apocalypse |