Thursday, January 7, 2016

I Dreamed of a Prague Burrito and It Was Muy Loco

I left Berlin after 6 years and returned to Prague at the right time. My old American Praguer pal J$ told me that Prague now had karaoke 7 days a week. And real American style buffalo wings (the hot and spicy chicken wings that enable most Amis to take to the sky and fly), "not the skinny, bullshit Czech wings, but real wings with all the joints."

Things had changed indeed. The city had evolved beyond the usual imported fast food garbage and two dollar bacterial lunches served in Czech pubs into a city with a host of new international cuisine—and not just for the yuppie scum. Of course it was now very difficult for me to find a smazeny syr (fried cheese) for under 150 CZK (I paid 50 CZK back in The Day), and even the price of the fine-and-previously-cheap Czech beer was inching its way up to the Euro-standard.

Enter Burrito Loco. It started as a late night pitstop for drunks on their way home from the locus point of night tram hell: from Národní třída to Lazarská, which I call Loserská, due to all the fine human detritus which sticks to the walls like meat blown off skeletons in a bomb blast. Even though the dodgy, nonstop fast food kiosks in the walls have been replaced by a megalithic glass Tesco mall complex, you just can't shake the late night loners. On one of my previous Prague visits for photography work, I found myself sucked into the magnetic vortex of Loserská. Instead of the fine, square-jawed Russian thug who used to serve microwaved food scraps out of a metal box, I stood in front of what appeared to be a California style burrito joint. Of course I didn't trust it. I stood in front of the scene, wobbling drunk and taking it all in, hoping to see something that would convince me to take a chance. Not a chance.

Shine On You Crazy Burrito

Now I see Burrito Locos everywhere: Loserská, Strossmeyerovo naměsti, Vinohradská and even in the Old Town. Those pendejos locos even took over the Old Bohemia Bagel on Masná. Now I had to try them. If they can topple a Prague Goliath like Bohemia Bagel, they must be putting some serious crack in the wrap. I staggered over to the Burrito Loco branch by Anděl. I stood outside wobbling drunk, as I usually do. I am always on the verge of making a bad decision to eat fast food at gawdawful hours. Nonstop burrito joints don't make it any easier for me. The devil on my right shoulder always says Eat That Shit! while the angel on my left shoulder gently whispers sweet reminders about how I am dangerously close to paying for two seats on the plane. Fucking bitch. I take the devil's hand, he dons a Mexican wrestling suit, and he jams a burrito down my panting gullet. It is so fucking good that I had to go back a few days later and have another one, sober, just to be sure.

Burrito Loco is a California style burrito bar. You choose your burrito bomb and they build it in front of you from a trench full of Ay Carumba. You can even get real, fresh guacamole for 10 crowns more. Hell, the Czech Mickey D's charges 10 crowns for each packet of ketchup or mustard. Tonight I went into the Anděl (angel) joint and ordered the Burrito Grande. The best part of the experience is picking your own ingredients and telling them NO FUCKING WAY when they reach for red cabbage, sauerkraut or corn. We ain't in Berlin or Britain, pendejo. Gimme:

Big Sir's Ideal Burrito

  • large tortilla for a large dude (grande, cabron)
  • chicken, because I avoid beef in Central Europe and anything vegan because I am not a gawd damned hipster
  • cheese (oh yeah), black beans, a bit of rice (don't be afraid to say WHOA! when they try to cut your drug with too much rice fluff)
  • guacamole, salsa, hot sauce, lettuce, onions,  jalapeños and of course,
  • Crystal Blue Persuasion meth straight from the trailer of Jesse and Heisenberg

They've even got 3 kinds of hot sauce on the table for you to add in case they are light-handed on the salsa or the crystal. After trying three or four of these tasty gutbusters from Burrito Loco, I can give it the official Wide Body Jetsetter Seal of Approval.*

* Now that doesn't mean that you can feel free to leave comments about how Burrito Loco ain't authentic, ain't California enough, or doesn't contain soggy, fried veggies like a gawddam TexMex catastrophe. This is just one Californian's opinion of his comfort food being available nonstop. In Europe. It's about fuckin' time!


  1. When you are not anywhere near the real thing, you must make do. Enjoy!

    So glad you are finding ways to make up for not being in California...LOL.

    1. You can take a Californian out of the burrito, but you can't take the burrito out of the Californian. And Burrito Loco makes a burrito almost EXACTLY like the ones I've had in California. You just gotta stop them from fucking it all up with red cabbage and corn. WTF?

      - Big Sir


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